Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*