*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
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[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Every work meeting this week
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery