me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
You Might Also Like
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
hi why am I like this
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?