“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
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I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy