Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
the red hot silly peppers
Based Erika
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.