[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
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The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.