Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
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*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE