It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
These 3D printers are insane!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*