Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
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me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
listen closely
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit