5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
…żyje?
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
cyclists
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already