Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
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Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
The Punning Dead.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Finally, an explanation.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.