A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
WTF
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.