Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
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me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
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