I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
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[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.