[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
You Might Also Like
There’s only one good girl here!
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.