Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
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When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”