God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
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Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
The news
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.