My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*