Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
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Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
For those that worship cheese..
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.