Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
time for some seasonal decor
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.