The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
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* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
When news reporters do sports stories
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it