Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
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Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face