Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
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Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.