At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.