I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
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People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!