Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
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i actually laughed 😩
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
peeping toms
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Otters see a butterfly.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.