me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.