reduce, reuse, recycle
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.