8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
what could possibly go wrong?
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……