The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
why I oughta
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys