How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
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When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
🌱🌱🌱
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments