taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
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Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
My dog learned how to text
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
Not helping
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.