[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
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I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”