* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Here’s a meme
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention