Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.