My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.