My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.