After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Always
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]