My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like