Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
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[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I’ve been drinking.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
I want what they have
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.