Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
How software testing works
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My work here is don’t.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.