My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
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“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Everything reminds me of my ex
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Lmfaoooooo
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
“Why you watching this shit?”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I would give up shouting at trees for you.