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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
when mom throws a party…
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
War & Peace
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby