pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
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any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Weirdly Wednesday.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
The first matador
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”