[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
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I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles