I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
if my sleeping schedule was a person
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
🙄😏😂🤣
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.