Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie