Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
@funTweeters
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”