So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
You Might Also Like
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything