[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
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my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
suspect: i ain鈥檛 talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 馃槀 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
This is so funny 馃ぃ I was crying!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.